Is the struggle to agree holding you back?!

2 years ago

Some clients come to me after decades of living in their home. They feel stuck.

They have been frustrated and dissatisfied, and have wanted to make big changes to their home for years.

One of the biggest things getting in the way for couples is not being able to agree on what to do.

Most couples understandably want to avoid arguments. Instead of stirring up trouble they would rather enjoy a harmonious relationship.

They worry about the conflicts that may occur if they try to make big changes to their home.

They would rather put up with the daily frustrations caused by their house in order to prevent any conflict.

Creating a joint vision with your other half doesn't mean only deciding to do things that you both agree with.

You CAN have different visions for what you want.

The key is being clear about what you each want and need.

It's the designers job to create solutions to even seemingly contradictory requirements.

Yes this can be done and doesn't mean you will be forced to make compromises that you're unhappy about.

Is the struggle to agree preventing you from making the big changes you want to your home?

Featured Answer

Sonia

2 years ago

I tend to be the decision maker in most things, but I think that’s more because my OH can’t be bothered. If it was up to my husband, our house would still look the same as it did when we moved in 30 years ago......

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Comments (14)

Daisy England
2 years ago
There’s never a problem deciding in our house. My husband knows better than to argue with me. The little lady is always right ;-)
PRO
i-architect
Original Author
2 years ago
Daisy! That made me laugh! Sounds like you're a lucky lady, with a husband who just wants you to be happy.

I'm curious to know more about how you reach the decisions. Do you talk about what you each want and then you make the final decisions, or do you just tell him what you want and he agrees? :D
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Daisy England
2 years ago
To be honest we tend to both think alike. Even if I said to him which one to do like and knew which was my preference he would choose the same. It definitely makes life easier. We’ve done loads of work on our home in the last 12 months aiming to get it bang up to date (just the lounge to do and we’ve already decided our way forward with that) and on everything we did there was no argument.
i-architect thanked Daisy England
PRO
i-architect
Original Author
2 years ago
Yes it sounds like a dream to have such easy agreement Daisy.

Sonia - I've met so many men like that! They're not really so interested, or they don't really want to see things change.

Sometimes I've seen that it can hold things back when one half is so uninterested that they won't engage in a conversation about it. Especially if they're going to be paying for at least some of the work and they need to be brought on board, then it can derail things or make it harder to get things moving. That's really frustrating for the person who wants to make some changes!

Do you think that the state of your house reflects more on women and so we take it more personally? Where maybe many men don't equate the way their house is with any kind of social judgement on them?
Sonia
2 years ago
I just love having a nice home, it’s a comfort, and like a big hug. As to social judgement “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” haha. My husband has no interest in paint colours, but when we chose the sofas and Persian rug he suddenly had an opinion, which actually helped. I think it is mostly women who care about decor, but some men do too.

A friend of mine has a husband who, for example when looking at wallpapers, will snap “nope, nope, don’t like that.....” so she ends up with about 2 that he likes, and all the others that she loves are thrown aside. I would hate that. Also he has a rule of “one in, one out” when it comes to accessories! Mind you, my friend ignores that. Much prefer a partner who is more obliging.........
PRO
i-architect
Original Author
2 years ago
I really love what you said about a nice home being like a big hug! That's beautiful :)
PRO
i-architect
Original Author
2 years ago
I agree, that I don't think that women should feel like they're being judged on the basis of how the house looks, but sadly I know lots of women who do. Good for you to not feel like that.
PRO
AVINU - Home Technology
2 years ago
This is a great in-sight into so many of our clients; and i often find there's a 'his & hers' preference that each is happy to accept, but you're right it's the mutual decisions that often provide a stumbling block. We've had to play marriage guidance council before to promote as many options as possible until some commonality, or trade-off, is discovered.

One topic of interest i try to focus on is 'their lifestyle' in a given living-space. When we talk about what they do together we can then start to see who feels they have a priority... we wish anyone involved the design stage the best of luck... clarity is king!
cushioncover
2 years ago
My husband now says to me "do you actually want my opinion, or do you just want me to validate your choice?"

Hint - it's the latter...
Daisy England
2 years ago
Overall I think females make better choices. Unless men are in the career of design in some way, to be honest they’re useless. Most take no interest at all. One reason why hubby and I both agree is that we work together and plan and design for other customers. It helps with the vision. So many people cannot visualise things.
Ellie
2 years ago
We have almost completed building work, removal of walls, 3 beams in, new sliding doors, new kitchen, floor, appliances, worktop, lights and furniture. I made all the decisions. He didn't even know he was buying a dark grey kitchen! He is colourblind too. If I am undecided between 2 things I will ask him but then decide which I like best. In the end it's my decision, he knows and trusts me enough to know that what I choose he will love as we do have similar taste.
PRO
OnePlan
2 years ago
I think that the ability to visualise isn’t necessarily a gender specific thing - just look on the threads to see some fab ideas from both sexes ( or should I say all, in this day and age ) I think the possible problem can arise when one person has an idea and the other doesn’t necessarily not like it, but maybe just can’t visualise it like the other can .... this is where people like me / other professionals or keen amateur can help - with cad visualisations. Helps people make considered choices and also shows others (builder etc) what they both mean when the design stage is done. Cuts out the ‘I thought you meant ...’ problem with a build that can cost lots to rectify !
Rosie G
2 years ago
There’s the old adage ‘happy wife, happy life’ about this sometimes in our house. And of course I mean ‘wife’ to mean whichever partner cares the most, whatever their gender. My husband does care about design but not as much as I do, and has made some very helpful suggestions - when I was all for making everything pale and light in our dark sitting room, he was the one that said it needed more saturated colour, and he was right!

When I’m upholstering furniture I get the final say on fabric though as I have to look at it for weeks and pattern match etc. I give the family a choice - of three fabrics all of which I really like.

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Is the struggle to agree holding you back?!

Sonia

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Daisy England

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Is the struggle to agree holding you back?!

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