I am a 30 year old single gal living on my own. Here is the problem. I am my father's old child. My mom has a both me and my half-sister. My parents divorced when I was young and both remarried (mom 20 yrs ago and dad 10 years ago). I am an adult. For some reason my mom can see it, my father can see it, but my crazy stepmother can not. She is closer to my age than my dads. When they first started out, I just wanted my father to be happy. He often asked me my thoughts about her, if I minded if she and her son moved in with him and eventually if I would have a problem if they got married. My response to my father was always the same "as long as you are happy, that is all that I am concerned about". I tried everything I could do to welcome them (her and her son) to our family. I lived with them for a short while during summer break before returning to college. This was before they were married. I left my fathers house earlier than I planned. SM got mad at me for asking my father to pick up a package from Sears before he headed home. He worked not far from the Sears Store Merchandise Pick-up. It happened to be something I bought my mom for her birthday. My dad did not ever know what it was. He did not pay for it and he could not tell what it was. It was simply a box that was for me. SM always acts nice to get information from me then uses it against me. She saw my dad brought home a box for me. I took the box into my room, opened it and SM walked in. "Oh, how nice" she said. "Did you get that for yourself". When I told her no, that it was for my mom- she BLEW up. Called me every name in the book- some names I could not believe that she would say in front of her child. She ranted and raved and cursed some more. I left that night and have not lived with them since. We made up a few months later, but not at her doing. (and I will admit, not mine either.) Everything was swept under the rug and not discussed again.

We have continually had problems. She takes something that I say such as "the light bulb outside is burnt out" and turns it into world war III. Not sure how it happens because it happens so quickly. All of the sudden I am rude, take advantage of my father, do not care about anyone but myself, ugly, fat. I support myself and live in a condo that I purchased MYSELF. She and my dad bought me my bedroom set for Christmas yet she thinks that if not for HER I would not have a bed. I had a bed before they purchased me this bed. I put myself through college, graduated and paid for it myself. My father certainly has the money to pay for my education, but I did not ask him to pay for my college education. Once graduating, I landed a wonderful good paying job. I don't want to get into what my father does but he makes enough at his job to live extremely comfortable without ANY money worries at all- and of course SM does not work at all and has not since they married.

I am proud of the fact that I support myself and everything I have- I have because of me. I was not handed it. Unlike her son, who at 25, is still living at home and has no ambitions to do anything other than have someone else support him. I try to have a relationship with SM for my fathers benefit. She tries to treat me like her best friend. I don't want to be friends with this woman. She is manipulative and believes herself if she says the grass is purple. She will fight you to her death that it is purple and you better not disagree with her. She is a control freak.

I want my dad to be happy, but lately he has not been. He is frustrated and aggravated. SM has tried her hardest to put a wedge between me & my father. I have my own life, money and friends. I do not need to talk to her daily nor do I need to see her daily. I live in Montana and they live one town over, less than 10 minutes from my house. I have told my father that I intend to not come around as much b/c I can not do or say anything with her thinking she has some sort of say in my life. My own father & mother do not treat me like this, I certainly am not going to let her. Problem is I have taken it and taken it and does exactly what I needed to in order to keep things calm for my father. She does not care about my father otherwise she would not try to draw this wedge between the two of us. She tells him I say stuff that I do not. She bad-mouths me to my own family and friends. She constantly puts me down and talks about how much of a loser & bad person I am. She makes things up that have never occurred or taken place and believes them. I have done nothing but welcomed her and her child into our family and I regret it so much. I feel like my father is being used and abused. I actually think she started out with the best of intentions, but now she acts like she has the upper hand and controls everything, when she brought nothing but baggage to the table.

We are not talking now because I simply made a comment that her son needed to "act like a 25 year old". Well wouldn't you know it, that started WW3 and she said some pretty ugly things attacking me- both to my face and to family member/friends of mine. The hurtful cruel things that she said- you cant take back. I will never forget the ugly hate-filled things she said to me. I have "forgiven" before but I am at my breaking point. I am loosing a grasp on reality. I actually have begun second guessing myself. I want this to be the end of my relationship with her. I want my dad to be happy, but I am sick of tolerating her ridiculous behavior. I am always the one who "doesn't make any waves" but I am sick of being treated like this. I would not be friends with someone like this, so why should I tolerate it simply because she is married to my father? I tried to have a relationship with her but she thinks she has a deciding factor in my decision making process and gets MAD if I do not do what she suggests. For example, I am going with my church group to Europe in five months. I walked on eggshells trying to decide how to tell her I was going. She would act in one of two ways. She would invite herself and come along or she would get mad. Sure enough she got mad and said I should call and cancel and get my $ back and not spend it on that. WELL guess what !! It is booked and we are going and I have not second thoughts. It is my money and not hers. I am so aggravated. I think I am more aggravated with my father also for letting her be this way towards both me and him.

I do not want to "put my dad in the middle" and have told him time and time again - I just want him to be happy. I do not believe this means having nothing to do with his only child. And I hate her for putting my dad in this position to where he obviously feels torn between her and me. I have not talked to him in over three weeks. I do not feel like I should be the one to contact him. I am sure she has manipulated the situation and has attempted to change the situation to where I did something wrong. What hurts me so much is that my father is tolerating her treatment and her treatment towards me.

Problem is, every other time we have fought, after a while I "forgive and forget" although I never actually forget what she says about me. Every other time I have done that, but I feel like she went way too far this time. I told her in the past, each time she does this, you are pushing me further and further away. She explains that it is "only when she is mad". That is the only time she says hateful things to my face. The problem is that when I think everything is fine, she apparently has a hay-day horribly bad mouthing me to anyone that will listed. I did not do anything to deserve this.

I do not want to end my relationship with my father, but there is no way I can tolerate her treatment any- even in small dosages. I see how she treats my father and talks about everyone and now I have people, my friends and my family, telling me how much she talks about me [some as long as three years ago, some as recent as three months ago (when I thought everything was fine)] and how she says she does everything for me and how I would be NOTHING without HER. Funny thing is she would be nothing without my father ! All I want is for my father to be happy and for her to stop thinking she can control everything/everyone. If I don't do something the exact way she wants it done, in her mind and to everyone else I did not even attempt to do it. She poor mouths me for no reason at all. And I am so mad at my father for letting this happen.

Can anyone suggest ways to deal with this? My ultimate goal is to have nothing to do with her. I want to continue to have a relationship with my father, but absolutely no relationship with her. I don't think I can handle one more minute of it. With that being said, I really want to "let it go" as far as my internal anger, but I swear I could punch a wall right now. What I would like to do it talk to my dad but not ask/say/hear about anything having to do with her. How do I convey this to him without him get defensive? Can anyone recommend any good books or sites about this?

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